Confidence & Brownies: 7 Tips on Raising Confident Teens in this Modern World

---

Earlier this week, my 15-year-old daughter was making brownies, and I noticed she didn’t even need to read the instructions on the package anymore. Betty Crocker’s recipe was imprinted in her brain. With a hint of pride, she said, “Mom, I’ve made so many brownies lately, I feel like I’m becoming a professional.”

But then her expression shifted. “Now I feel like, just because I said that, this batch is probably going to go bad.”

“I know that feeling,” I told her. “I get it often too.”

Curious, I asked, “So why did you say it out loud then?”

She paused for a moment. “I guess I wanted to feel confident,” she said.

“But, what does that have to do with feeling confident?” I asked.

“I don't know, so other people would see that I'm confident too,” she replied. “If not, what’s the point?”

“I think you are confused about the meaning of ‘confidence,’” I told her. “Confidence has nothing to do with other people.”

“It doesn’t?” she asked.

“Nope. Confidence is something only inside of you. It’s what makes you strong, and not easily shaken when things go wrong. It’s a belief in yourself, without doubt. And not a belief that makes everything go perfect.”

“What do you notice about confident people?” I continued. “We admire them. They radiate strength, and what I always notice is that truly confident people are quiet about it. You will never hear them boast about their confidence.”

Brownie picture for dramatic effect (courtesy of taffeybakery.com)

Up to that point, it was a great parenting moment, don’t you think? (*shouderklopje*)

I should have stopped there, but of course.... I kept going. I began discussing how people who are outspoken about their confidence often do so to make an impression on others, suggesting that their need for validation actually stems from their fragile ego. Someone who is honest doesn't need to tell you they are not lying. Someone who is strong doesn't need to tell you they're strong. The same goes for confidence—it speaks for itself without needing to be announced.

When I asked her what she thought about all this, I saw I had already lost her to the first episode of season 4 of Outer Banks.

But that’s okay. In hindsight, I realize I was being a bit too judgy, so thank you, Netflix, for the distraction. Here’s a more level-headed continuation of my mini-lecture 😊

The truth is, teenagers are in a phase where their sense of identity and confidence is heavily influenced by external validation, especially from peers. It’s a natural part of adolescence as they try to figure out who they are and where they fit in. As parents, we often wish we could help our kids skip over these tricky stages—give them all the wisdom of adulthood and have them absorb it without needing to experience the lessons themselves. But helaas, it doesn’t work that way😕.

At this age, the desire to appear confident to others is both normal and common because their sense of self-worth is still so closely tied to how they believe others see them. When they were younger, it was all about how we, as caregivers, perceived them... Now, it’s about how their peers perceive them, and eventually, it will mix and evolve into how they perceive themselves.

During adolescence, the brain is still developing, especially the prefrontal cortex, which handles decision-making and self-regulation. This makes it hard for teens to fully separate internal confidence (what they think of themselves) from external approval (what others think of them). We were all teens once, so we get it. You remember how we used to spend days leading up to an event thinking about what we are going to wear? And going to the bathroom every half an hour to check on our hair?

Their developing brain also helps to explain why social media holds such sway over them. It’s a place where (superficial) validation is easily obtained through likes, reposts, and comments—a quick hit of dopamine for their “confidence”. But, it’s also a space where confidence can just as easily be shattered—through bullying, negative comments, or even the absence of likes. This topic deserves a whole book of its own, but at the end of this article I’ve included some links & a recommendation if you’d like to explore the rabbit hole of social media further.

So, what can we as parents do to stimulate the development of healthy confidence in our teens? Here are 7 tips on raising confident teens:

1. Encourage a growth mindset

   Teach your teen that setbacks and failures are part of the learning process. Let them know that failure isn’t the end, but an opportunity to grow and improve (without too many "I told you so's"). This will build resilience and a deeper sense of self-confidence as they learn to bounce back from challenges.

   
   

   In this case, my daughter nearly burned the brownies because she fell asleep. Her takeaway? Set not one, but two alarms to make sure they come out of the oven on time. Problem solved!

2. Promote self-reflection

   Help your teen cultivate self-awareness by encouraging them to ask questions like: What are my strengths? What areas can I improve? How do I feel about myself, regardless of what others think?  Help them also reflect on who they are looking to for approval. Is this someone I love, respect and admire? Self-reflection helps in creating internal confidence, rather than relying solely external validation.

3. Create a safe space for expression

   Ensure that your teen feels safe to express their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment. Open, honest communication creates a sense of security, validates their feelings and helps them sort through their thoughts and emotions.

   
   

   If, due to your own growth process, you’re not able to be that person for them, that doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a parent! Recognizing this allows you to help them connect with someone else they trust—whether it’s a family member, a friend, or a youth life coach (like me, hint hint 😉).

4. Model healthy self-confidence

   Our kids absorb a lot (read: mostly) by watching us, so, lead by example. Let them see how you navigate challenges, moments of self-doubt, and success with a balanced mindset. It’s not about being perfectly confident all the time—no one is! But how you regain your confidence after being shaken and going through the motions is where the real life lessons lie.

5. Stimulate gratitude

   Guide your teen in practicing gratitude and focusing on what they have, rather than what they lack. This shift in mindset helps them appreciate their own unique journey and reduces the need for external validation in the long run. Once again, one of the best ways to teach this is by modeling it yourself.

6. Acknowledge your influence

   Don’t underestimate the power of your words as parents. Your validation, approval, and advice still hold a lot of weight, even if you’re repeating yourself over and over again. Keep going—your voice will become part of their inner dialogue, providing strength and guidance later in life.

7. Help them find a spiritual anchor

   This one’s personal, but whether it’s God, Allah, the Universe, or another spiritual belief in your household, encourage them to connect spiritually with a higher source when seeking validation and confidence. We often hear, "trust yourself," but if your sense of self is still developing (or weak), that can lead you astray—I know it has definitely led me through more hardships than necessary. Instead, guide them to seek wisdom and support from something greater than themselves. For me, I’ve intuitively asked since I was young (though not as consistently as I should have): What would Jesus say or do? Would He approve? This approach provides a firmer foundation than relying solely on oneself, which can be more easily shaken by life's challenges.

Here are some links specifically addressing the influence of social media:

• Social Media and Self-Doubt

  How parents can help kids resist the pressure created by artfully curated social media feeds.

• From likes to loathing: How social media is negatively affecting students’ self-esteem and mental health

And a special shout-out to Curacao's Media Coach, Flavina Wanga. If you want more information or you are at a loss on how to deal with your teens and their device/social media habits, contact her! www.flavinawanga.com & socials: @konsientecuracao.